Oscar 2012 timeline: Follow winners and losers, highs and lows of the ceremony here

This is it. Tonight's the night. The 2012 Oscars, a.k.a. the 84th annual Academy Awards. The red carpet chatter. The Clooney smile. And, at long last, the end of three months' worth of movie-awards chatter.

And here, my friends, is where you can follow along. I'll be updating this blog all night long with winners, losers, highlights and lowlights, as the events play out. (Programming note: ABC's red carpet coverage starts at 7 p.m., and the ceremony follows at 8:30 p.m.)

Be warned: I may not be able to hold back the snark tonight, because it's a coping mechanism for when the Oscars get long and boring. And I already apologize in advance for any "Drive" references I make, considering it was the real best movie of 2011, and will barely be recognized tonight (a Best Sound Editing nomination does not satisfy me in the least).

This will occur with my left hand. With my right, I will be live-tweeting the ceremony, so follow me on Twitter for additional commentary. MLive's Maria Amante will also be tweeting her observations. John Gonzalez will contribute here, too.

So here we go:

• 11:38 p.m.: Go to bed, people.

• 11:35 p.m.: Tom Cruise is the last man standing. Presents Best Picture to "The Artist." Millions of people who haven't seen it are outraged.

• 11:33 p.m.: So much for finishing on time.

• 11:29 p.m.: Colin Firth calls Meryl Streep "Mamma mia," then gives best actress to her for "The Iron Lady." Oscar pools upended, leaving many of us all wet.

• 11:19 p.m.: Natalie Portman presents best actor to Jean Dujardin for "The Artist." Oscar pools? Holding steady, people. Holding steady.

• 11:09 p.m.: Tally of "Drive" references so far: Uh, do we count the sound mixing nomination?

• 11:07 p.m.: Elizabeth Taylor is the last face in the Montage of the Deceased.

• 11:04 p.m.: The Montage of the Deceased. Many died too soon. Starting to believe this Oscar ceremony didn't.

• 11:01 p.m.: There are 29 minutes left. Don't forget to re-hydrate, folks.

• 10:56 p.m.: It took approximately 23 minutes for Angelina Jolie's leg to get its own Twitter account after it showed itself on stage. Too bad Michael Fassbender isn't here tonight, eh?

• 10:50 p.m.: Michael Douglas presents best director. Michel Hazanavicius for "The Artist." French accent. Oscar pools still very wet.

• 10:48 p.m.: Oscar blogger fatigue sets in.

• 10:43 p.m.: "Saving Face" wins best documentary short, "The Shore" wins best live-action short and "Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore" wins animated short.

• 10:40 p.m.: Melissa McCarthy and Rose Byrne apparently are playing the "Scorsese!" drinking game. Wait, I thought booze was only allowed at the Golden Globes?

• 10:30 p.m.: Woody Allen continues to not acknowledge Oscar. Didn't attend. Didn't accept the trophy for original screenplay for "Midnight in Paris."

• 10:27 p.m.: Consolation prize: "The Descendants" wins adapted screenplay, proving it won't win Best Picture.

• 10:21 p.m.: MLive.com's Todd Chance is at the Oscar Night America party to benefit the Waterfront Film Festival at the Goei Center in Grand Rapids. "And it's the closest you can get to the west coast without a plane ticket," he says. Check out his video with party emcee Stephanie Webb.

• 10:19 p.m.: "Man or Muppet" wins best song, which wasn't performed, because it would have been too fun.

• 10:14 p.m.: "The Artist" wins best score; award presented by Penelope Cruz and Owen Wilson.

• 10:10 p.m.: Some Academy guy, old and white, says something something something.

• 10:09 p.m.: Uggie the dog sighting! Regretfully, his inner voice is provided by Crystal.

• 10:03 p.m.: Plummer officially kills it during his speech. Winners following him have their work cut out for them.

• 10:00 p.m.: Melissa Leo hands the Best Supporting Actor Oscar to Christopher Plummer for "Beginners." Oscar pools still safe.

• 9:56 p.m.: Best visual effects? "Hugo." Five wins at this point. It's cleaning up in the technical categories.

• 9:53 p.m.: Ben Stiller is Emma Stone's straight man. Maybe the best presenter pairing yet?

• 9:49 p.m.: Look for a replay of the JC Penney ad with Ellen Degeneres - Muskegon native Elecia Burrel, who goes by her first and middle name, Elecia Joan, in Hollywood, plays an employee at a competitor's store, according to a recent story by Muskegon reporter Lisha Arino. (Via John Gonzalez)

• 9:45 p.m.: Chris Rock hilariously deconstructs doing voiceover work ("...and then they give you a million dollars!"), gives the Best Animated Feature Oscar to "Rango."

• 9:43 p.m.: "Undefeated" wins the best documentary Oscar. The evening's first bleeped expletive arrives during the acceptance speech.

• 9:41 p.m.: Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow sell some decent shtick. Haters are quiet for 19 seconds, a new Guinness record.

• 9:37 p.m.: So many obvious jokes falling by the wayside as the running tally of references to Michael Fassbender's genitalia is currently at zero.

• 9:34 p.m.: First Muppet sighting! Kermit and Miss Piggy introduce Cirque du Soleil, which makes sense? Because the acrobats are hanging from wires?

• 9:28 p.m.: "Hugo" wins sound editing. It also won sound mixing, beating "Drive."

• 9:26 p.m.: "Drive" loses the only Oscar it was nominated for.

• 9:24 p.m.: "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" wins Best Editing. Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall call Rooney Mara "The Roons," stumble over their words and say, "Let's get outta here."

• 9:14 p.m.: Spencer cries, thanks the entire state of Alabama.

• 9:13 p.m.: Best supporting actress goes to Octavia Spencer for "The Help." Oscar pools everywhere remain right-side-up.

• 9:11 p.m.: Christian Bale disappoints us by not speaking in his Batman voice.

• 9:07 p.m.: Sandra Bullock speaks in Mandarin Chinese, then hands foreign film Oscar to "A Separation."

• 9:03 p.m.: Mario Lopez's choice for best dressed? Angelina Jolie. He tweets, "The beautiful Angelina Jolie... Even more stunning in person!" (Thanks, John Gonzalez.)

• 9:00 p.m.: Number of "Drive" references in first 30 minutes: zero.

• 8:59 p.m.: Best makeup is given to "The Iron Lady" by a giggling Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez.

• 8:55 p.m.: "The Artist" wins best costume design.

• 8:51 p.m.: First official montage is a salute to movies that are about things.

• 8:47 p.m.: Haters cramp up as they too quickly shift backlash from "The Artist" to "Hugo."

• 8:45 p.m.: Art direction award goes to "Hugo."

• 8:44 p.m.: Tom Hanks presents cinematography Oscar to "Hugo." War horses everywhere weep into their oats.

• 8:38 p.m.: Crystal creates comedy whiplash by following a great one-liner - "Welcome to the Chapter 11 theater" - with song and dance.

• 8:35 p.m.: Haters worldwide upset that the Crystal montage was actually kind of funny.

• 8:32 p.m.: Justin Bieber shows up in Crystal montage. "I'm here to get you the 18-24 demographic," Bieber quips.

• 8:31 p.m.: Clooney kisses Billy Crystal in opening montage.

• 8:30 p.m.: Morgan Freeman takes the stage, speaks, and everyone is strangely calm.

• 8:27 p.m.: Credits running on the red carpet show. (Fistpump.)

• 8:22 p.m.: Show producer Brian Grazer's hair apparently by Krazy Kaplan's fireworks.

• 8:18 p.m.: I WANT TO KNOW WHERE RYAN GOSLING IS.

• 8:11 p.m.: George Clooney and girlfriend Stacy Keibler on the carpet. We hold our breath wondering if she will bodyslam Robin Roberts. (Check out pics of Clooney here.)

• 8:07 p.m.: First commercial for "The Hunger Games," for all 37 people worldwide under the age of 30 watching the Oscars.

• 8:06 p.m.: Glenn Close's bust-enhancing dress proves unequivocally that Albert Nobbs was just a character she played.

• 8:04 p.m.: Gwyneth Paltrow reveals that she's besties with Cameron Diaz: "We got ready together!"

• 7:56 p.m.: Penelope Cruz melts the internet with her new controversial hairstyle.

• 7:52 p.m.: Nick Nolte reveals that he's possibly batpoop crazy. Although Roger Ebert tweets in his defense, "Nick Nolte gamely replies to impenetrable questions with impenetrable answers. Does his pinball machine predict the Oscars?"

• 7:44 p.m.: Jean Dujardin softshoes for the camera for the first time tonight. Expect several hundred more instances of this before the evening's over.

• 7:40 p.m.: This from John Gonzalez: Annie Mumolo, who co-wrote "Bridesmaids" with Kristen Wiig, is wearing Pamella Roland. Mumolo wore a teal dress, accented by a stylish belt and small train. It was simple, but elegant.

• 7:35 p.m.: Melissa McCarthy is the most sincere person on the carpet. (Sorry, no joke here.)

• 7:32 p.m.: The phrase "mominees" is coined. MARK THIS MOMENT, PEOPLE.

• 7:29 p.m: Viola Davis' green Vera Wang dress. I like it. But I also know diddley-squat about clothes.

• 7:06 p.m.: Jonah Hill brought his mom to the Oscars. All together now: AWWWWWWWW.

• 7 p.m.: ABC's red carpet coverage begins. FYI, E! has been covering this live since the red carpet was invented in, I believe, the 12th century A.D.

Be sure to check out our other MLive Oscar stories:

Oscar rehearsal photo gallery

Revisit MLive film critic John Serba's Oscar predictions

6 reasons to watch the (most likely turgid and predictable) Oscar ceremony

Oscars 2012 links: Sacha Baron Cohen, 100 Academy Award facts and a 'hater's guide'

"Rango" is a shoo-in for the Best Animated Feature Oscar, and deservingly so

Oscars 2012: Academy members revealed to be mostly old, white and male, surprising absolutely no one

Meryl Streep, Viola Davis and the mess that is the Best Actress category

Email: jserba@mlive.com